Lately, I have been thinking a lot about development and identity. This is likely because of all the reading I have been doing on child development as I try to look for guidance on how I could raise my little one.
Perhaps in previous generations, we had the support of ‘the village’ to help raise a baby, but now that we’re a lot more independent from our extended families, more often we are trying to figure it out as we go. We rely on parenting books or blogs, Facebook Groups and forums because that knowledge that used to be passed down from mother to mother is just not there when you are awake with baby at 2 am in the morning.
I have been particularly drawn to the work of Dr. Maria Montessori and her theories of the absorbent mind. The theory follows the idea that in the first plane of development, from birth until about age 6, children take in information from their environment effortlessly, like a sponge absorbs water. Up until 3 years old, this happens unconsciously. This plane is the most important period of development because it is when intelligence and ‘the whole of the psychic faculties are constructed’ (Montessori, M 2016, The Absorbent Mind). Our personalities and character are basically formed by the time we start school, created by the impressions we experience in our environment. So as parents, it is important to model the behaviours and values that we want our little ones to possess, because they see and are taking note of everything. Their understanding of the world can only be formulated by what they are exposed to.
We often think that kids don’t know anything, so what we do doesn’t matter because they won’t remember. You would be very hard-pressed to recall many memories before you started school. But even if they don’t remember the details of incidents, the feelings and impressions are internalised.
This knowledge has made me super conscious of what my son gets exposed to. It makes me weary of childhood trauma and how experiences we had as a child can affect us even as adults decades later. It has also made me reflect on my own childhood experiences and upbringing and how it has shaped who I am.
As a child, and throughout our adolescence, our lives are most often dictated by what our parents allowed (or what you can get away with). Growth is our struggle for independence. Montessori describes the planes of development as:
Plane one (ages 0 to 6) - Physical independence
Plane two (ages 7 to 12) - Mental independence
Plane three (ages 13 to 18) - Social independence
Plane four (ages 18 to 24) - Spiritual and moral independence
(http://www.mariamontessorischool.org/how-the-montessori-method-builds-independence/)
It is also by around the age of 25 that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is responsible for executive functions such as problem-solving, impulse and emotion control and predicting the consequences of one’s actions, becomes fully developed. It’s no wonder we experience the quarter life crisis - it is like our brain suddenly becomes “woke” and we start questioning what we’re doing with our lives.
In our 20s we try to “find ourselves” and figure out what we want and the direction we want to go. I feel like by 30, you generally know who you are and accept yourself, with all its strengths and flaws.
“Now that I know who I am, I find myself looking back to see how and why I am who I am.”
What were the childhood experiences that shaped me?
How did my upbringing and parents’ parenting style affect me?
What worked and what would I do differently?
What are my values now and how do I pass it on to my child?
Some of the harshest lessons on building resilience were learnt through the struggles of being immigrants. The context that I grew up in is so different to where we are now and we are lucky to be able to approach from a place with more privilege. How can I teach these lessons to my child?
A lot of questions - I’m still trying to figure out the answers.
