Holiday turned babymoon in Sapa, Vietnam
Pregnancy and having children is such a deeply personal topic. Some may hate the thought of the idea of having kids: they’re gross, annoying and take away any freedom and independence you have as an adult. And whilst we now, as women, have the option to choose not to have children and to be able to live our own lives and not considered as just baby making machines, society still has an expectation that once you’re married, you are bound to have children or else be casted judgement and questioned by your relatives and other mothers on why you don’t have kids.
I for one have always wanted kids. Having come from a relatively large family with three other siblings and grandparents or extended family living in our home, family was such an important aspect of my life growing up. And after basically raising my sister since I was in primary school, I have felt that I've always had those maternal instincts embedded within me.
I remember back in the latter years of high school planning out my life for the next 15 years. I wanted to be married and have my own house by 28 and have my first child by 30. Obviously at the time I had no idea how life was going to play out.
To be able to afford a home in Sydney requires huge financial capital, so this, and the ingrained idea that you needed money and status to be considered successful, became the driver to being very career focused during my 20s. However, I soon caught the travel bug and discovered a love for seeing the world, and then, when it comes to relationships, you cannot put a timeline on matters of the heart. So though I may not have met all the milestones I had envisioned when I was a teenager, I realise now that it's OK. As you gain life experience and grow a little wiser you learn that priorities do change and you don't have to chain yourself to goals you had once set out when you were a child. They may have been unrealistic or unreasonable and may not account for the circumstances that you live with now.
“Goals help guide you in a direction so you aren’t wandering aimlessly, but allow yourself flexibility to pivot and explore other avenues or opportunities that may cross your path. ”
Starting a family also takes two to tango - it's not just what you want but you need to consider your partner as well. When I think about it, the original timeline did not allow much time to simply enjoy life together as a couple. And just as we were enjoying life and settling in together as a unit, suddenly our early 30s crept onto us.
30s may be the new 20s but unfortunately not when it comes to your biological clock. It is known that your fertility starts to decline once you reach 30, whilst the likelihood of miscarriage also increases with age. It is increasingly more difficult to conceive after 35 and if you do, there are more chances of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities. So it's not just society's expectation to have kids by 30, but science has it in for us as well.
This year we had decided that this would be the year that we try for a baby. I didn't want to share my goals at the beginning of the year because it was something very personal and not necessarily something I wanted to announce straight up on what I was working on. And after being told that it could take up to a year to be successful, and hearing the realistic rate of miscarriage (“Among women who know they are pregnant, the miscarriage rate is roughly 10% to 20%, while rates among all fertilisation is around 30% to 50%”), I didn't want to set my heart on a goal that was really a game of chance. Still, I wanted to prepare myself as much as possible and set ourselves up for success should luck be on our side.
Here are some things I had considered when planning for a family.
Maternity leave
Planning for kids has been years in the making. Even when we weren’t yet ready and still had more travelling to do, I knew it was something I would want in the future and wanted to plant the seeds so that we would be ready for it financially when the time came. This meant finding a permanent job that offered paid maternity leave.
Coming from a creative industry built on the vigour of young people, as I grew older and work-life balance became more of a priority, I realised how unfriendly these environments were for those with families. And I'm not just talking about the stress and long hours, all my previous jobs in advertising agencies pretty much had no policies when it came to paid maternity or paternity leave. Sure you get some benefits from the government and can technically get time off, but if you want to take a year off to raise a child, unless you have a partner that earns enough for the both of you and your living expenses, it would be pretty tight financially.
With this major realisation, I switched to a client side role. I concluded that bigger known companies often have employees who are older with families of their own and would have more fairer policies to look after their employees - unlike the young blood of advertising, because let’s face it, I ain’t no spring chicken anymore. You of course need to be a permanent employee for at least a year to get access to maternity benefits. I seems like full time permanent roles are getting harder to come by so I joined as a contractor with the goal of turning permanent. But after nearly two years of commitment, it was an incentive that could not be met. So, not wanting to hold my breath any further, I took fate into my own hands to find a place that was give me the security I needed. This lead me to my government job. Government stick to the rules and care about their employee's welfare and would not discriminate against a women of potentially child rearing age (which could very much happen in the private sector). I still needed to be in this job for a year as well, so technically the plan to get maternity leave for when I would have a baby has been some 3 years in the making.
Public vs Private
Before you even think about trying to conceive you will need to make up your mind on whether or not you would want to go via the public system or go private. It is common for most private health insurances to have waiting period of at least 12 months before you are covered for pregnancy. This means that you have to plan at least 3 months ahead and sign up before trying if you wanted private health care cover for when the baby arrives. Once I settled in my job we quickly signed up for hospital cover private health insurance. Of course getting private health insurance is totally up to you and it is perfectly fine to go through the public health system. Australia has one of the best public health systems in the world and if you want to go frugal it is probably the best option. There is definitely a lot of extra cost going private even outside of health insurance, but since it is my first birth and it is such significant and intense point in my life where so many things can go wrong, I wanted to ensure I can give my best chance of success and support at a time where I will be most vulnerable. When it comes to my health, I won't want money to be an issue.
Financial set up
Financially we set up a separate ‘Baby funds’ account. Canstar had previously wrote an article about the hidden cost of having a baby so I used that as a guide to how much money we needed to set aside for when the baby does arrive. I then divided the number by the number of months I expected to take and that gave me an amount that I would need to save in that account each month. With every pay, similar to splitting our pay between fire extinguisher, smile and splurge accounts, I now have another percentage split to contribute to the Baby funds savings account so that we have money set aside for any baby purchases or medical costs.
Health
With finances in order I needed to now focus on my health. Growing a human being can be physically very taxing so I wanted to make sure that my body was going to be ready. Thankfully I had already made some healthy lifestyle choices last year, being more conscious of what I eat and exercising pretty regularly.
It’s recommended that before having a baby you should make sure all your vaccinations are up to date. This involved a few doctor visits and blood tests to see what I was still immunised against. Luckily I was all sorted, but it’s good to get checked out in case you need a top up.
It is also recommended that in preparation, you should also start taking prenatal vitamins 3 months prior to trying. The extra folic acid in prenatal vitamins help to prevent neural tube birth defects and they include other vitamins and minerals essential for healthy development. I was already taking multivitamins beforehand so it was basically just switched out for prenatals instead.
They also say that even though you could get pregnant as soon as you get off contraception, I also heard that it could take months for the effect to wear off, so again before trying to conceive I wanted try to reset my body ahead of time, so you may want to plan that in as well.
Know your cycle
Trying to conceive is obviously linked to your reproductive cycle. Predicting your baby's due date is also based on the first day of your last period, so it helps to know your cycle. I have previously used the app Flo to track my cycle but it also has a pregnancy mode to help predict ovulation as well as track your pregnancy as the baby develops. It can also sync with Fitbit or Google Fit to help consolidate your health profile.
Get educated
It seems that many of my girl friends were all at the stage of wanting to start a family. Knowing that it was also on the cards for me some time in the future a friend of mine passed on a book called "What to expect before you're expecting" by Heidi Murkoff. It went through many of the aspects that I've mentioned especially on the health and lifestyle side of things in much more detail. Granted I only read half the book as the later chapters discusses how to deal with bumps on the road to having baby as well as space to keep track of your journey, but I found it really insightful.
Mental and emotional preparation
With all this in mind, one of the most important things to do is to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the life changes ahead.
“To be honest, you may never truly be ready. It is but a leap of faith and you just dearly hope that you land on your feet in one piece.”
Where ever your journey may lead you, be sure that you and your partner are on the same page and know that you will be taking each step together. If you are doing it on your own, make sure that you have a support network who you can lean on when times get rough. You will probably be making stuff up as you go and mistakes will be made, but hopefully you have made the choice to start a family for the right reasons. Choosing to be a parent is one of the most selfless acts that you can undertake. You will have a life that is solely dependent on you, but through your love you will leave a legacy.
